Internet Fast

Firstly before you continue reading, if there is even anyone reading, I have to say that being rational was least on my mind. I was without any internet from 19th Jan til after my CA1 on 23rd Feb. 36 days. I had absolutely nowhere to share or vent, and, let's just say it wasn't easy. So if anyone is even going to read it, bear this in mind. Thanks for understanding.

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-[2nd Feb - Day 15]

So it's day 15 without wifi and boy oh boy it's hard. I guess I can say it's easier now. Easi-ER, not easy. Right now I'm suppose to be napping, but I couldn't, so much on my mind. Went to bed just now and just layed around, unable to sleep.

It's been a long long time since I last talked about this. Well frankly, I have to say it hurts to see my friends drifting away from me, be it because of a quarrel, or the friendship just getting boring. Yes, its happening to me now, and maybe it seems like I dont really mind it, but I do. Maybe I just don't show it. I can't show it. I don't need people to pity me. I'm pitiable enough. Is it just me, or are good friends so hard to find now? Good friends that actually stick up for me. Who is there when I actually need them? I never wished to say this, but sometimes I just wonder.

I know it's just me, so I seem to be drifting away from them too. I'm almost at the verge of giving up really. At times, it hurts more then it heals. I've experienced betrayal by good friends, first hand, when I was younger, it's now a scar. But occasionally, the scar just opens and it starts hurting all over again. Other times, new wounds form on the scars. They will never know how much I've been through. I now find it difficult to trust people, even close friends sometimes. Not tht I don't want to, it's just, well I don't really know. My past still haunts me I guess.

I don't know what to do. I remember being that cheerful busybody kid when I was much younger. Until I began seeing and experiencing how much friendships hurt too. If those friends never betrayed me, maybe I would have still been that cheerful boy. Now, it seems like I'm just reserved. I may talk a lot, but inside, I'm dying to just shut up. Ironic isnt it? I know I don't physically cry myself to sleep when I hurt, but inside, the heart's just so heavy, I can't explain.

I've noticed a change in myself of late. Well, firstly, I probably don't talk as much. Secondly, I'm alone more often. Thirdly, I'm more boring to my friends. By now, I'm numb to a lot of pain already.

I hope I cope well, alone.

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-[3rd Feb - Day 16]

I just can't seem to do anything right. People mistake my apparently good intentions as other things. Did I make a mistake in helping others. It's not a great feeling to be misunderstood. I can't just not do anything, but I can't do anything right. So what's the point of it all?

And so my ego takes a downward plunge once again.. It's that feeling of uselessness and helplessness.

Well in addition to all that, I just help but feel quite lonely. I mean, I'm totally unconnected with the rest of my friends, whether or not I've got access to Facebook and Twitter. To put it bluntly, I feel I'm being more and more left out. I can't remember when it started, but it's too late now that I've realized. So while everyone else has their share of fun pie, I get a crumb of fun at the very most. Leftovers.

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-[5th Feb - Day 18]

'And so we've been friends for so long. Ive helped you when you needed help. We grew up. And turns out all the help I offered, you mistook it as an opportunity for myself to be seen as great. Even though it was out of good intentions I wanted to help you. I'm hurt, how could you think that way?' Yeah so this sums up a show I watched last night. And it really made me quite sad I guess, because I can related a lot to it.

So today I wanted to go first service in church alone. And den afterwards do my work before Open Sunday. But last minute some of my friends went for first, then decided to go for lunch as a farewell for someone. But I wasn't informed early, cause everyone discussed it on Facebook. So turned out I didn't go. It felt quite lonely I must say. But serves me right, I chose not to go I guess..

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-[9th Feb - Day 22]

Can't stand it. People don't understand why I'm off the Internet, and call me a fool for it. I mean, is it really so wrong for me to do so? They're pretty insensitive after all. Treated them like friends and was patient with them, wasted effort.

This thought has been on my mind alot. Well I've been wondering if I ever lost all my memory, who of them friends would even bother to help me regain it? I'm quite doubtful.

I dont really mind it when friends talk about themselves etc etc. But sometimes, it'll be nice for them if they heard me out. I don't want to impose on them, but some friendships I have are all about them, them and them. And others? Well they tend to forget about me. Leave me out on things. Don't talk to me as much. It's hard enough not being in contact on Facebook or Twitter, but it's harder when I see how little people actually care in my absence. Tough life.

Come to think about it, talking about friendships being about them them them, I do believe my relationship with God has sadly been all about me, me and me. And I know, that's not suppose to be the case. I think this time of fasting from the Internet really taught me to trust, focus and rely on God more. So instead of posting sad stuff on Twitter, I'm trying to make it a habit to just tell God instead, at the very least, God's listening, and that's more then enough for me.

'Lord this time of fasting from the Internet is extremely difficult, so please give me the strength to pull through all this. Let my relationship with You just grow deeper and deeper with each passing day. Help me to realize that You will always be there for me, and that You're all I'll ever need. Amen.'

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-[14th Feb - Day 27]

Haha it's Valentines day. And I've got no Valentine. Big deal, I don't need one at the moment.

All I want for Valentines day, are friends I can actually trust. Ironically. These trustworthy species are quite rare to find nowadays.

I just can't help, but just say I've been having expectations for my and friends. But it, or they, just don't really make the cut. Doubting my studying capability, and sadly, my friends too. I don't know, what should I do? I've been contemplating on being more reserved nowadays. I should just shut up, not like I was of much help. Cut the liveliness and smiles, and we get a new and deproved Benjamin. I don't really mind.

There's no one I can share with how I feel. Or rather no human. Even if everyone fails me, at the very least God's still there.

-[15th Feb - Day 28]

I remember how March 2011 was the most depressing month in a long time. And it's fast approaching. Come to think about it, 2011 has been a year of the rabbit, and also disappointments, I just don't know why..

'Ive been holding on so tight,
Look at these knuckles they've gone white,
I'm fighting for who I want to be,
Just trying to find security.'

Describes me perfectly.

Well, it seems stubborn me still misses the past a lot. I used to have so much fun. I used to enjoy studying. I used to have trustworthy friends. I used to be happy. It's different now, how times have changed. My future looks bleak looking at the depressing trend. I really shouldn't be like this should I?

What have I become?

-[17th Feb - Day 30]

Happy birthday me! Well honestly, it's been quite boring. School was usual, a few wished me happy birthday. That was nice of them. And I got a couple of birthday wishes too, I'm satisfied, considering I didn't really want to expect anything. I shouldn't be being emo today, but I just have to say, that I think so many people take me for granted. I'm just like a cute baby pet, losing novelty very quickly as the years go by.

But come to think about, this was probably one of the most lonely 16th birthday I've ever had. Today was quite, quiet actually. Like it was just so, quiet. Like other days.

But today God spoke to me in my QT. Was reading a book given to me. And I learnt, that God would never forsake me. He even promised it in the bible. So even if every human leaves me, I have assurance that God would be by my side. And I really needed to know that, because just at that point of time, I guess I was feeling lonely, very. Maybe even to the point I cried. I don't know why I've been like this lately..

Anyways, maybe once exams start, I needn't let my mind dwell on such emo stuff. Maybe.

Had dinner with my godparents, a very nice one. And that cheered me up. Especially how I played with my 4year old godbrother. He has really nice smiles and laughter. I wish I was more like him.

-[Day 20th Feb - Day 33]

Had SS and English test today. English was fine, hope I didn't screw up. But everything I missed out for SS just came out. Just my luck. Good day.

I honestly have no place to vent. I feel so sad and hopeless, but yet I can't share with any of my friends. Seriously. Some friends I can't trust, others, dunt care and the rest I just dunt want tell because I dunt want them to be affected.

People addressed me nicely in the past. And yes, I was happy. But now, even when they use the same words, I just can't stand it. It's like I've lost my meaning already. Its like they say it cause they're just so used to it, not because they mean it. I have no idea how to elaborate. All I know, is that I feel like my existence is so trivial to people around me. It's a lonely feeling, a very lonely hurt.

Seems like my output is far less then my input. Not intending to brag, but whenever my close friends need a listening ear or just some care, I honestly do try my best to help and care, and listen. But whenever I myself need that, it doesn't seem like the few I relied on weren't even there. I'm gonna get burnt out, soon. Been so selfish to myself. Maybe I don't share enough, but shouldn't they know well enough if they sensed something wrong? I'm just a tad disappointed. I mean, I'm human, I need care and comfort too right? How come those people fail to see that? This hasn't been like this for days, or weeks. Months in fact, so long, yet not much of a hint that those people I trusted were reliable.

Maybe if I disappear one day, a few would notice. Maybe a few.

-[22nd Feb - Day35]

So far I've been messing up my papers, and I've been so demoralized. I have no more mood to put in effort, I just want to give up, it's so difficult. I don't know how much more I can go, how much longer I can take. I feel so burnt out and tired.

Been telling some of my 'closer' friends how I've been feeling quite down and crap, and yet some don't even bother really. Some dont even bother asking about me, instead they just report to me about them them and their friends. Like I said earlier, some of them believe the center of our friendship is all about, themselves. Those caring friends, really an endangered species now, and I'm trying hard to preserve them. For the others, well, I hope one day they'd notice, and care. But I'm really not expecting much from them anymore, I don't wish to say this, but they've truly let me down. I'm really sad. And yes, that was a major understatement.

But on the other hand, I just can't keep blaming my friends. To a certain extent, I know I've been becoming more emotionless and boring. I'm not who I used to be, I'm not that interesting retarded idiot that cracks jokes as and when I want anymore. I'm not that cheerful person whom they can be cheered up by. And I'm probably not that kind soul to care much about how they feel. I've been jealous, envious and spiteful. I guess, I should only be blaming myself for being like this to my friends, who in turn, began to drift from me. I'm a terrible person. It's my fault, and I really shouldn't have done so. But I just can't seem to make the effort to repair this mess because all I do is wallow in sadness and self pity. If any of my friends are reading this, im sorry. For just not being who I'm suppose to be. I feel like someone else, I'm not myself.

This probably marks the last day of my Internet fast. Strangely, I'm not entirely keen on going back online. I'm sure with or without the Internet, I'm bound to be alone. But yet, now I think I'll feel uncomfortable with posting how I feel on Twitter or Facebook. I guess I'd rather post it on my blog. Where no one really visits. I probably don't want people to think I'm some emo guy. It's a lie, I guess I am, but neither do I want them asking how I am, and me being forced to say 'I'm fine.' I don't need their pity or sympathy.

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So I'm back online. That was 35days.